Three Wishes

                      

  

The 1950s—when white people were scared of everything and everyone. In Three Wishes, the target of their ire is Jack McCloud, played by Patrick Swayze.  Jack is a mysterious drifter who hitchhikes with his adorable dog. But boy, the conservative folks in this desert town sure don't like him. They hate his beatnik beard, his awesome baseball skills, and his penchant for meditation. 

Jack makes his grand entrance by getting hit by a car. He breaks his leg, and Jeanne, the widowed driver, is so wracked by guilt that she convinces him to live with her and her kids until he’s fully recovered. Cue angry townspeople!

Jeanne's husband went missing in the Korean War, and is presumed dead. Since then, she's been kinda sorta dating the town jerk, because it's the 1950s and being a single woman is illegal. Jeanne's boys, Tom and Gunny, enjoy having Jack around to fill the father-sized hole in their hearts. This particular hitchhiker has a heart of gold and bonds with the boys, although he makes it clear he's not looking to quit his rambling lifestyle.

This movie tries to do too many things, and is slower than molasses.
The most appealing story line for me was when Jack transforms Tom's lackluster little league team into a group of all-star players. How does he do this? By dishing out some Buddhist-adjacent philosophy, of course! Some stuff about not trying so hard, and how "everything contains its opposite." They meditate on the field before the big game, sitting criss cross applesauce chanting “Om.”

It works. They win. Rumors abound that Jack once played for the White Sox. But we never find out, because this movie is not into giving characters any sort of logical arc. 

OMMMMM...

Stranded drifter whips an adorkable little league into shape, with a scruffy dog by his side at all times--that's a movie I can get behind. But instead, Three Wishes throws so much plot spaghetti against the wall, you have no idea what's important and what's not. In the end, none of it really sticks.

Another unnecessary layer to Three Wishes is that it opens with Tom as a Grown Up Looking Back On His Childhood, and closes with Tom as a Grown Up Giving Thanks to the Man Who Shaped His Life for the Better While Sitting in a Veteran's Cemetery.
So, like Saving Private Ryan, just not actually good, and with a different war. 

None of the characters feel like real people. Gunny seems to believe Jack is magical and can grant wishes, which is concerning. Gunny also has stomach cancer, but spends the whole moving walking around totally normal, aside from some daydreams that feel more like acid trips.

And who the hell is Jack, really? The first implication is that he MIGHT be a former major league baseball player. Next, Jack MIGHT have magic powers. Or maybe he's just a normal guy. WHO CAN SAY?

You can totally see it coming, but Jeanne and Jack eventually make out, and presumably have sex. So, is Jeanne cheating on the jerkface? Does it matter? We never find out, but good for her, I guess. 

The movie races to wrap up loose ends and fails miserably. After Jeanne and Jack have that One Hot Night, she turns down a marriage proposal from the jerk she had been dating, no hint of remorse at all. Jack and the dog hop into a passing semi truck and continue on their way. Tom is heartbroken. The father presumed dead dramatically returns at the town carnival. Jeanne welcomes him back so enthusiastically, it’s like the jerk and Jack never even happened (so Jeanne kinda cheated on two men? But it's fine? She's just fine?). Gunny, who never seemed like he was gravely ill, is magically healed.

At the very end, in the present-day Cemetery of Life-Affirming Revelations, Grownup Tom comes face-to-face with Jack McCloud, who has not aged a bit! After Grownup Tom says a tearful ‘thank you,’ to the drifter and his dog, the camera focuses in on the headstone Grownup Tom had been visiting. It's gotta be his dad, right?
Wrong. It reads:

J.W. McCloud
March 28, 1919
August 6, 1944

What?! The movie takes place in the mid-50s. That's the only thing this movie is sure about, but Jack's been dead for an entire decade?
WAS EVERYONE IN THIS WONDER BREAD DESERT TOWN HALLUCINATING?
DID JEANNE BANG A GHOST?

I mean, I can handle ghost-human canoodling. I’m fine with it! Most of America is fine with it, especially when Patrick Swayze is the ghost—and especially when he’s the ghost in THE MOVIE CALLED GHOST.

Surprisingly, this was not painful to watch. Maybe I'm developing an immunity to Patrick Swayze's less-than-stellar work. Nothing about the movie is surprising, except that it managed to get made. The kids aren’t great actors, or even that cute, the script is nonsense, but somehow, this schmaltzy movie sneaks into watchable territory.

Let’s be real, it’s because of the dog.